DEFIANT TEENS
Teenagers experience more hormones than a woman throughout her 9 months of pregnancy – Harvard Medical Review
Whether getting a teen to quit smoking pot or simply taking out the trash, directing a teenager can be pretty damn difficult.
But why?
To start, teenagers are biologically experiencing more hormones than a woman throughout her nine months of pregnancy.
A recent Harvard Medical Review reveals the shocking truth that teens are exploding with hormonal imbalances. Yet, picture how we are taught to treat a pregnant woman and picture how we treat teenagers. Very different.
And while this fact certainly adds some clarity to the reasoning behind the ultra-common tendency of teen defiance, it only scratches the surface.
We must realize that teens today are not the ones from 150 years ago. Not even 15 years ago. And here are the facts to prove it:
- Teen anxiety rate has increased 76% since 2009
- 60% teen suicide rate increase
- 1,800% increase in E-Cigarette use
- 20X increase in marijuana potency
- 57% of young adult males now have a substance dependency
But the most jarring fact of all – The average child born past 1999 will spend 35 years of their lives looking at screens.
The youth is facing a different type of terrain of life than any prior human ever has.
This is why we are so passionate about understanding what works with modern teens as we set them up for mental, physical, spiritual, and financial success.
They are up against odds that science has not caught up with, and we must recognize these odds as we redirect them to a success life the best we can.
Here are 11 methods to help redirect defiant teens:
- Spend MorE SELECTIVE Time Together
You might be saying to yourself right now, “my kid…lol…I can barely get them to come down for dinner!!”
But we are talking about selective time.
One of the number one issues we see with our teen clients is this problem with their parents we call the “disconnection loop.”
It goes like this:
- The child gets in trouble
- The parents get mad and discipline
- The child feels some sense of shame, embarrassment, disagreeableness, or negative emotion
- The child emotionally pulls away from the parents
- The parents take it to heart. Get flustered and maybe even feel like they are “losing their kid”
- The child senses that fluster. They take it to heart and possibly feel like they are “losing their parents” or, even worse – “losing themselves”
- Child and Parents start to spend less time together. Time passes, and the teen does what teens do best….
- Child gets in trouble again
- Rinse and repeat
This Disconnection Loop is so toxic because the child ends up only spending time with their parents when they are getting reprimanded, disciplined, or preached to. This goes along with #4 on this list.
So here is what we always suggest.
Think of a few things that you would really like to do with your child, and select a few times you have open on your busy calendar.
Make sure to do this a month ahead of time or even later to have plenty of openings to choose from. Teens always think they are busier than they are. Doing this will avoid that cop-out.
Next, present those dates to your child and say this:
“I really want to _____(name the thing you want to do)_______ , would you do me the honors of joining me on one of these dates?”
What this does is that it lets them know that you want to do this with them. Because if you ask a teen, “do you want to go on a walk,” the answer is likely to always be no.
If they say “no” anyways, try asking again the next day. Don’t take the rejection to heart. It could be their subconscious way of testing you to see if you really want it that bad.
Or, they could also be coming out of a hard day. Don’t forget the fact about their hormones!
Either way creating Selective Time is a crucial way to break Disconnection Loops and get your child on a much brighter path toward success.
Remember that Selective Time can be a weekend to the mountains or something as small as watching a show together in silence.
Big or small, a defiant child needs more time with their parents.
- Implement Penalties
When you’ve settled on a set of rules and boundaries, enforce them strictly and give yourself clear repercussions for straying from them.
The only way to get your kid to change his practices is if you follow through with implications.
Never make a threat that you aren’t prepared to carry out; otherwise, your teen will subconsciously learn to call your bluff and disregard any future threats you make.
Don’t lose your cool if your teen doesn’t listen to you. If a child does not clean their room as instructed, they may be denied privileges such as going to the movies. Or, “You won’t be able to use the automobile this weekend because of how late you got home tonight.”
But try your best to stay in a calm and collected demeanor. Boiling points happen, we get it.
A great tip is to catch yourself getting to a boiling point and taking a 5 minute break before returning to the matter at hand.
The other crucial factor is not saving your child from the results of his actions.
Doing so will only inspire further defiance. If he is in trouble for talking back to a teacher, for instance, you shouldn’t call in an attempt to justify or mitigate his punishment.
Instead, it would help if you discussed with your adolescent how to make decisions that will benefit him rather than harm him.
- Formulate a Plan
It isn’t easy to deal with the emotions that arise when your teen acts defiantly.
That is why we spend a lot of time with our teen clients creating a realistic plan that not only gets them on a healthy direction, but actually excites them.
Your teen may be frustrated, which is reflected in their behavior. Instead of reacting impulsively out of anger, it’s better to take the time to formulate a plan of action to implement once the argument has escalated.
Before your child acts out again, think about what you want to say to her. Just be straightforward and relaxed as you deliver your message.
- Make positive behavior a prerequisite for privileges
There are some things that your adolescent may think they need but are luxuries that they should have to work for.
Positive teen behavior can be rewarded with privileges like increased access to electronics, cash, the keys to the car, and hangout time with friends.
If your teen is disrespectful to you in any way, whether by calling you names, refusing to follow house rules, or engaging in any other type of rude behavior, you should remove their privileges.
- Don’t Repeat Yourself
Most parents fall back on tired cliches at some point or another.
Have you ever noticed how sometime you barley remember the ride home from work or a friends house? Your brain has already seen it. This neurology of the mind also applied to how we hear things.
Constantly telling your kid that they will be punished by being grounded if they don’t accomplish anything is also unlikely to be effective. It becomes background noise. Literally!
This merely breeds disobedience and undermines your authority. Instead, instructions should be given once, with a single warning, and then enforced.
It’s the most efficient method of ensuring everyone plays nice at home.
- Reward Good Behavior
Show appreciation for even the most minor beneficial actions they do.
This may feel like babying them, but it is not! This same tactic is taught by some of the most prolific business leaders to their teams and fortune 500 companies.
So be sure to express your appreciation when you observe your adolescent making a good decision or carrying out one of your requests.
One possible response is, “Thanks a lot for tidying up your room without me asking you to!”
Make sure it is withhout sarcasm or hyperbole. Giving your sincere praises will inspire your kid to keep up the excellent work.
They will feel like they cannot do anything right if you constantly point out their mistakes.
Remember, even the most rugged teens can be ultra sensitive. Especially in this digital age.
- Pick One Action to Change
You may feel overwhelmed if you try to deal with all of your teen’s disrespectful behaviors at once.
Instead, pick the one harmful habit that has been bugging you the most, and make a strategy for how you will change it.
The most unacceptable or hazardous of your adolescent’s rude behaviors will need to be addressed first.
Whether they are swearing at everyone in the family, not completing their schoolwork, or violating their curfew behaviors; focus on the most urgent at hand.
As soon as the first problematic conduct is under control as a result of the implementation of consequences, you may go on to the next.
- It’s important to pick your battles
If your house was on fire 🔥 you would not grab the paper clips out the junk drawer.
The truth is that you need to save your time and energy and not participate in any of the small conflicts.
For example, certain types of complaining.
Identify which conflicts are worth fighting and which are better left unresolved. Avoid statements for control. Be aware when your teen is pushing your buttons and lovingly choose to not take part.
A common battle revolves around teen laziness.
Teens will often make any excuse they can to put off doing what they should. Prioritize the conflicts that directly affect your teen’s safety or emotional well being instead.
Another big one is arguing.
By avoiding arguments about insignificant matters, you may establish a more harmonious home life, which may encourage your adolescent to talk to you about more pressing concerns and build a deeper connection.
Aka – less defiance.
- Conserve Proper Decorum
It’s pretty aggravating when teenagers act disrespectfully toward their elders.
Many adults, however, mirror their children’s behavior and reply with more rudeness and contempt.
Try your best to never do this.
As the adult in charge, you need to set an example by acting in the way you hope others will follow.
No matter how often you “preach” to your teen, they will learn that disrespectful behavior is OK if they witness you responding to them with disdain.
Actions speak louder than words! Walk the walk.
- Teach THEM to Solve Difficult Problems
Your adolescent may tell you otherwise, but the truth is that they typically don’t want to solve their problems on their own.
You are your adolescent’s first and most influential teacher, cheerleader, and authority figure. You should help your teen find solutions to issues on their own.
While the situation is calm, try saying, ” You are only going to cause yourself more trouble by acting in this way, so consider stopping right now.”
It may be a good idea to ask, “So, how would you approach this issue differently the next time?”
Give your kid a chance to share his thoughts and feelings, and if he’s at a loss for words, provide some suggestions.
It’s also crucial to remember that disobedience isn’t always the root of the problem.
Never assume that your child’s refusal to comply is an act of defiance.
Perhaps they are confused by the material covered in class and so avoid doing their assigned homework; alternatively, they may be nervous about presenting in front of an audience and thus shirk their responsibility to prepare for their given assignment.
To solve the situation, you may need to assist them in mastering a new ability.
- Get Help
When teenagers act out, it’s tempting to blame themselves and spiral into disappointment or depression.
If you’re having negative thoughts, resist the urge to withdraw, and locate someone to professionally help you.
We specialize in life coaching teens and youth to help them find where they are, where we all would like them to be, and how to get there effectively.
Teens today are not the teens from even 15 years ago, and it is incredibly easy for them to fall into the negative and harmful traps of modern day youth culture.
Effectively directing them away from the negativity and to a bright, promising future can sometimes take a team.
In the meantime, try these methods and, above all, give both your teen and yourself the grace and forgiveness to make mistakes along the way!
IS Your Teen Needing More?
You may have a problem on your hands if your child’s disobedience has become extreme, has persisted for more than six months, is out of proportion to their age, and is hurting your and your child’s social and academic life. When kids have serious disobedience issues for more than six months, they should see a teen life coach or even Adolescent Psychiatrist Near Me. A kid may be diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) if they consistently resist, disobeys, and act antagonistically toward those in authority positions.
